Sunday, 11 December 2011

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if this life, this one I've created for myself is all a dream. Sometimes I wonder if one day I'll wake up, truly wake up and realise that I'm back in a small apartment with my cousins eating Go-Gurt's (on holiday) and understand that this thing was all some extravagant ploy or distraction my mind created for me, and I'm actually still only seven years old. I'm still innocent, naive, unaware of the atrocities of life.

Sometimes I wonder if what I really want to do with my life - write, will work out. Whether it will be some fun thing that I'm really, really good at and love so much that I wouldn't even consider it a job, or whether I'll just be rejected again, and again, and again. Whether it will be something that I'll be recognised for. Something that'll be for me.

Sometimes I wonder if all this worrying that I do, over my grades and my work, and my life is worth it. Will it be useless in the future, and have only given me too many wrinkles, or will it be valued? Will the stressing and panic attacks be for the right reasons?

Sometimes I wonder if my shyness is hindering me in accessing my full potential. Sometimes I wonder if I need to find a way that makes me more loud and boisterous, more confident.

Sometimes I wonder if all this luxury I get is fair. Sometimes I wonder why not many people take their education for granted anymore. Sometimes I wonder if people really truly know how lucky they are, how lucky they are to be given opportunities.

Sometimes I wonder if this life, this one I've created for myself is all a dream. If, when I wake up, I'm in a completely different place. I'm poverty-stricken, unwell, in a bad place, and this is my escape. My alternative universe. My utopia.

Sometimes I forget that this life that I have, that I constantly complain about, is actually really, really good. That I have friends who understand my introversion, that I have some of the greatest teachers at my school, that I have a family that's whole and well (even if they're dysfunctional), and that I have a workplace that I cherish.

Just sometimes.

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